Story Lines Brought to you By the Commish

 

Biggest Storylines for Each Team Heading Into the 2023 Season

By: El Commish

LOD Season 8 is almost officially fully underway. With the keeper deadline past and the draft quickly approaching, 10 hopeful Degens are gearing up to pursue the ultimate glory of Champion, all with something to prove. Here’s what I think are each team’s biggest storylines ahead of the upcoming campaign.

Joe - Don’t Fuck Up the Draft Again

The bottom 2 of the ‘22 season have a similar air to them: teams in a multi-year rebuild after failing to tank successfully in 2021. Shame too, cause Joe was in one of the best positions last summer. Armed with a massive stockpile of picks, the team had a clear mission to spend those on top talent during the offseason, forming a big three of Jonathan Taylor, Dalvin Cook, and Davante Adams. There were some head scratchers during the draft, sure, but he still was thought of as a title contender, but everything went south quickly. Trey Lance died after week 2 and JT soon after, Dalvin Cook was mid enough to be cut by the Vikings this offseason, and the decision of drafting all the Raiders and Chiefs wideouts backfired quickly. When it became clear that the season was going nowhere fast, the team decided to blow it up Brooklyn Nets style, shipping off Josh Jacobs, Davante Adams, anything with value.

Joeker went all-out for this draft, acquiring an even bigger stockpile of picks that currently make up 16% of the entire draftboard and can fill a roster nearly twice over. Excessive? Enough to have the League office investigating. If anything, it shows that JC is not looking to repeat the same sins, opting to keep Najee Harris and Mark Druski instead of making a splashier trade (as of the time this is written). It’s not exactly the scariest 1-2 punch, this team has unlimited potential with that kind of draft flexibility and a new stadium deal in Utah looming. Good luck.

Erik - Return to Relevance without CMC

Things have been rough for the Orange Army since Erik traded away franchise legend CMC in 2021. The gutted team was quickly one-and-done in the playoffs, signaling the end of his championship window and the start of a tank with hope for a better 2022. Unfortunately it didn't come. There were some fun moments like a 2-0 sweep of Chuck, but it was otherwise a pretty forgettable season from a competitive standpoint.

Not everything was doom and gloom though, Erik quickly set his sights on 2023, trading away several players for picks and bringing in Derrick Henry to complement his loyal man CeeDeez Nuts. With picks to spare, and coming off a relocation to a new home city, Norwalk Nar is ready for his comeback. All he has to do is beat the “can’t draft” allegations.. please don’t pick Joe Burrow at #3.

Nauch - Theory Can Only Get You So Far

There’s “fuck a draft”, then there’s taking Rhino Pills in preparation for it. Nauch’s first experiment in reverse tanking did not succeed; while he did hover around .500 thanks to a pretty cake schedule, it was pretty clear that a playoff run wouldn’t go far and he immediately looked to recoup draft capital. You’d think that was the end of that, but Nauchaveli never lets you know his next move, and what he did surprised me.

On a hot July night, Iggy Iggs pulled off one of the most impressive series of blockbusters I’ve ever seen, acquiring a murderer’s row of Running Backs, all three easily top 5 at their position [when healthy… and/or not in the middle of a contract dispute… Nauchaveli is also known to be a hardcore masochist]. Even more impressive is that he’s in a better draft position than last year, with two picks before round nine instead of zero. It’s still a high-risk-high-reward play, but as long as Jonathan Taylor isn’t Leveon Bell 2.0, his chances are as good as ever to make some noise.

Ant - Turning the Page on ‘22

Unless you’re a certain someone that we’ll talk about later, it’s proven to be very hard to remain a consistent contender in the LOD. Often, there’s a pretty hard fall from the top. Unlike the other teams who missed playoffs last season, Ant did pull off a successful tank, winning the 2021 Championship and propelling his team out of the previous few seasons of IRrelevance. With a great keeper and draft pick war chest, he seemed set for a victory lap. The script very quickly flipped with a disastrous 2-5 start to the year. Pornstar-sized draft busts Russel Wilson and Kyle Pitt left a bad stench behind as Ant quickly looked to save his season, bringing in AJ Brown and Justin Herbert for a late season that fell just short at the play-in.

While MRT now joins me in the Championship Hangover club, he should be looking at the upcoming season as a “new year, new me” opportunity. With a completely revamped set of keepers and a good draft situation, he definitely has the resources to return to competing for a title.

Wings - Time’s Running Out on the Josh Allen Experiment

Four seasons ago, fresh off of a league Championship, I put my faith into a then-unknown QB from Wyoming. Since then, Josh has spread his butterfly wings to become one of the top passers in the league, not to mention my main man crush. In choosing to think with my other head, I have been steadfast in trying to build a contender around him every year. Unfortunately, this has not translated into a lot of success, with 1 missed playoffs and 3 consecutive first round exits to show for my efforts. Last season in particular was frustrating after a strong 5-0 start gave way to a brutal 3-5 record that all but demoralized my squad and sew seeds of resentment between Josh and I.

Keeping a QB, imo, is almost always a poor decision, there’s just too much value in the top 30 to really justify it (unless it’s kermit the god.. but even then). With the honeymoon phase all but over between me and my QB, the situation is much like with my ex-MLB team in Anaheim and their franchise star. This is a make-or-break year, and without a deep playoff run, 2024 may be a very different year for the Alitas.

Rob - Can Prolific Strike Twice?

It was a long wait between playoff appearances for Rob, who finally made it back to the dance last year when the pound-for-pound iciest team in the league flexed a Big Three +1 of Kelce, Chase, Diggs and Burrow. A lot of these wins came against the bottom 4 teams, but he also initiated the downfall of the FAKE COMMISH. While his return came to a quick end in round 1, Mr. Fadez has spent his offseason in full on preparation to make a bigger and better run, ready to run it back with his Big Three and probably drafting Burrow again.

Not to dick ride too much cause Bryan is the jealous type, but I 100% believe this squad was one good RB away from winning it all, and will be the key piece again this year. If mans can find the right guys in his all-natty draft, or finally makes a trade, I’ve got confidence that the Roberto Hype Train continues at full speed and is back in the thick of battle this December.

Ryan - Take the Next Step

After inheriting a team in shambles his debut year, Ryan was ready to execute phase two of his tanking masterplan in 2022. He was very well-prepared from both a keeper and draft perspective, and aced both of these to emerge as the early-season favorite with plenty of depth at the skill positions to weather the storm of injuries that came for his squad. Securing the 1 seed and a bye was expected, what wasn’t was his Swift (heh) exit in the semifinals after an underperformance against the eventual champ.

Batista enters his third LOD season ready to redeem himself. With the frightening WR complement to Nauch’s RB trio and a decent draft behind it, Ryan won’t have the super-depth that he did last year, but is still in a strong position to pick up where he left off. There’s really only one way to improve from here, and that’s losing to Gio in the finals, I believe in you!

Bryan - Beat the Third Place Boogeyman

Congrats Rook (time to retire that name and start referring to you this season as Sophie). Bryan came into the League and did exactly what he said he’d do– beat Chuck, make the playoffs, and then beat Chuck (morally) in the playoffs. Really though, his debut for the LOD went a lot better than our previous new entrants. On paper, his team was fairly average, the Besito Boy was determined to compete rather than tank, and got enough matchups to break his way to not only make the playoffs, but end up the second seed and four points away from a championship berth. Shout out to the football gods for their sense of humor, though; Bryan’s well-known third place streak from his previous FF leagues not only continued into the LOD, but thanks to Damar Hamlin’s silly little cardiac arrest, it would become the league’s first ever playoff tie, sharing the honor with Ryan (let this serve as my official ruling on this matter, btw).

Bry did pay the price for his stellar run last season, and ends up in a worse draft situation this year than what Hurtado left him (had to make sure he has ample time to listen to oontz oontz between picks). Regardless, sticking with ol’ reliable Patrick Mahomes and what’s hopefully a full healthy season from the Koop Kupp Klan is a good enough foundation to build another contender this year.

Chuck - Old Dog, New Tricks?

Last season was something of a Magnum Opus for Chuckles and his historic rivalry with Gio. The once-dominant team in the days of ESPN, Shrimp Bayless and Barack Obama has since lived in Gio’s shadow- having never been able to win against him in the regular season or playoffs- and he has made sure to remind Chuck of this every chance he had. However, he had finally done it last year, beating his rival in a thriller of a week 12 match sparking a Cinderella run that would see Cassidy make it from the play-in game back to the Final after a 4 year drought. As destiny had it, he would meet his arch nemesis again here, in what was one of the most hyped up Championship games in League History….

And, oh, my, god.

What we got was probably the most unexpected, but hilarious outcome possible; a 100+ point ass-whooping that not only liberated Nauch from the biggest L in league history, but the mean nickname that came with it. This defeat was a work of art that rivals Picasso’s Guernica in its raw but beautiful portrayal of an outright massacre. This type of loss can change people at their very core. I hope that for Chuck, this epic supernova flameout gives way to a Phoenix-like rebirth from the ashes. It’s a clean house for the Wuhan Warriors; gone is longtime franchise star Saquon Barkley and in its place is a refreshed draftboard to build around new arrival Tyreek Hill. If we can get through the year without a suspect Joe trade, this may really be the start of a new era.

Gio - Cement GOAT Status

Much like his first Championship win in 2020, Gio’s 2022 season was a statement. Since defeating his playoff choke demons, he has been a constant, ever-present force, the center of mass that the rest of the League has gravitated around. Even after what was, by his standards, a mediocre regular season, it nevertheless ended in a fourth straight finals appearance and second LOD championship. This is already a 2010s even-year Giants dynasty to be proud of, but there’s still something more that Gio can accomplish.

There was a time when Tom Brady only had three rings and his most recent Super Bowls were two Ls against Eli Manning. Silly mortals like me would use this to argue that no, Joe Montana is the GOAT, he has 5 rings, Brady is a system QB, blah blah blah. In the time since, he has buried this debate sixty feet below, along with the dignity of his haters. This season, LeGio has the opportunity to do the same, to definitively escape from the old heads who will bring up Chuckie Jordan’s two rings versus plumbers and frat boys and truly stand alone at the top. I do think that his current keeper and draft situation leaves him at the most vulnerable he’s ever been, but for the Undertaker, it’s always his trophy to lose.